This is the most important question for every parent. Every parent constantly struggles to know whether his or her parenting style is working or not. Is it creating positive results or negative. Will it create positive long-term relationship or not. And most important, Will the child understand why the parents react the way they do to the actions of the child and whether this parenting style will enable the child to grow into a responsible and capable adult or not?
The question in every parent’s mind is: Should there be a parenting plan to deal with the child? Are there specific parenting skills available to distinguish good parenting from bad parenting?
In this article, we will consider one particular parenting style that definitely will not work. It could easily be termed as bad parenting. That style is ‘Giving Lectures and constantly nagging the child’ for inappropriate behaviour.
Parents spend a lot of time and effort coaching their child about responsibility. You use all kinds of styles, plans and skills like encouragement, explanation and other ways to communicate to your child how crucial it is to become responsible in life. Therefore you keep giving instructions to your child again and again why he should do what he or she is supposed to be doing. This takes many forms like complaining, shouting, at times playing a victim. All this is nothing but nagging and lecturing on your part (from the point of view of the child at least).
This interaction is as good as talking to the wall and your frustration leads to threatening the child or punishing since your style and skills are definitely not producing results. Your issue is that the child does not clean his room, or take care of dish washing or does not do his school work at home or keeps behaving badly with the younger sibling and does not apologize for his rude and bully behaviour.
Why is it so difficult to convince the child about his non-responsible behaviour? Is it because your child is dumb, or careless or hard-headed? Definitely not. The reason probably lies with you. You need to take the responsibility for your behaviour if your child is consistently displaying irresponsible behaviour.
You are saying this is not true. You are not responsible for your child’s irresponsible behaviour. You are making all the effort and you are being vigilant about the child’s behaviour throughout the day. You are not leaving any stone unturned. You are right. You are doing more than your share of work. That is the problem. You are not giving any space to your child. You are in the same box and you are driving his life along with him. The child is behaving without responsibly as a reaction to your behaviour than his own need.
Some one rightly said, ‘you are not responsible for solving the problem of others. If you do that, you are making that person immature and training him to become dependent’.
Recognize your need to get your child dependent on you. Treat your child as an adult and allow him or her to make the choices. And most important, let him go through the consequences. Only then will he grow. The gold has to go through the test of fire to become refined. Leave the space which belongs to your child. Trust as your parents trusted you. And this subtle change in your behaviour will produce extraordinary results in your child’s life.
by Minaz Lalani