When “paranoia” or extreme distrust, arises in a relationship there are many factors which can be causing it. It is absolutely necessary to understand where these feelings are coming from, or else it is easy to act out in the relationship, blame the partner, put all kinds of unhealthy demands upon him, and even believe that he is cheating on you when he is not. Not only does this destroy his trust in himself and good feelings about himself, but he can easily grow to feel there is no way he can please you, or make you secure and happy.
When an individual gives into these feelings of paranoia, (or extreme fear, suspiciousness and jealousy,) and begins to create more and more restrictions upon the partner, or demand more and more information about what he is doing, this is often the beginning of the end.
Loving another person does not mean possessing them, or having them there simply to help you feel better about yourself. This does not take their needs into account. It is not loving or respectful of them, of who they are.
In all relationships each individual needs time alone, time with friends and of course time together. When we take away a person’s individuality and freedom to enjoy all aspects of their lives and grow, we are not behaving in a loving way. Sooner or later the individual begins to feel it, and can feel trapped, misunderstood and blamed falsely. Naturally, they then often think of ways of getting out of a relationship such as this.
If one requires that their partner take away the pain they are feeling, they will be disappointed sooner or later. They are looking in the wrong direction. No matter how loving a person is, no matter how solid the relationship, they cannot take away pain and confusion that exists within oneself. We have to take responsibility for our feelings and work them through on our own.
There are many ways to build self esteem and to feel safe once again. These are tools we use day by day to become strong within. Just as we work out in a gym each day, we need to work on ourselves emotionally to build the strength we need to combat fear and negativity. One exercise that can be used is to consciously look for the positive in yourself and your partner. When you find yourself dwelling upon negativities that can or are happening, step back, take a deep breath, and consciously choose to focus upon what is good and right in both him and yourself. We can and must choose health time and time again. Here is an exercise that offers a wonderful way of turning things around.
Whom or what do you blame for the difficulties you are facing? In what ways do you blame yourself? Make a list.
Now, notice how blaming simply serves as a screen, preventing you from seeking the full picture of what is going on. See how
Give up some blame today. Go to the top of your list and completely let go of blaming that person or circumstance. Breath deeply as you do this. Send the person good wishes. View the situation much as you would view a thunderstorm. Let the storm pass and create an environment of kindness and clarity where real communication can take place.
Copyright (c) 2008 Dr. Brenda Shoshanna